During the chaos of Ike's aftermath, we had the difficult task of planning Johnny's funeral. Last Tuesday we enrolled the kids in school and they seem to be adjusting very well. Sophie has Johnny's Homebound teacher from a few years ago, and Joey is back with all of his friends he's had since he was in kindergarten. Finally, a little comfort and stability. I guess the chaos has kept our minds busy with mundane tasks and details, but as we slowly get into a routine it starts to sink in Johnny isn't part of our routine anymore.
It's so hard to understand, I can't even wrap my mind around it. He wasn't even a kid, he is still a little boy, practically a baby -- barely ten years old -- he just got into the double digits. Simple things like a child's birthday party nearly brought me to my knees. I watched an adorable little boy smile and say 'hi daddy!' to his dad and I was so jealous I had to look away. Our long time friends have 3 kids all about the same age as ours and to watch them play together tore me apart. What do I say when people ask me how many kids we have? Do I tell them three or two? Either way it sucks. I think the more things settle down, the harder it will be -- at least for me. Hopefully our time in CA will delay facing a routine one more week.
It's seems insane to try and think of the 'good things' about Johnny passing. As I sat next to Johnny day after day, it was hard to remember what it was like when he was well, but now when I think of him, that is all I can think of, not the 'sick Johnny' that was bed ridden for 121 days. A very good friend of ours had a dream the other night, and she told us she saw Johnny in heaven playing croquet with all of the other children in heaven laughing and having a ball. I can't wait to see him one day doing just that and we are all together again.